A little background info. Anyone who knows me would probably be shocked to hear what is going on in my little 'ol world right now. Anyone who knows me well would probably wonder what took me so long to get help.
I am a 26-year-old, wife, mother of 2 little boys, full-time professional, active member of my church, athlete and sometimes writer. Most of the time I would consider myself a pretty happy person, but contentment has always managed to escape me.
I had self image issues in high school that came complete with eating disorder. When my parents found out I was immediately sent to therapy. At 17 therapy was excruciating. The therapists didn't seem to want to know anything about me, just who was to blame. The first time I was diagnosed with depression and subsequently prescribed meds, I, in the fashion of a typical teenager, adamantly refused. I met Jesus my Senior Year and decided if He could heal the sick and raise the dead, He could certainly fix whatever was malfunctioning in my head. (I still believe this by the way, but I also believe God uses lots of different people and methods to heal us and I think that inlcudes medicine)
I began to pray and exercise and I tried to surround myself with more positive people. This worked for nearly 10 years, but recently my house of cards has started to topple card by card. The depression for me is like a cloud. I could see it rolling in. My vision would darken for a few days and then it would roll out again. I would feel tired, uninterested and way too intraspective, so by the time the cloud would lift I be on a mission as if Lucifer himself was on my heels. I would make drastic changes to my life or my looks (whichever was handier at the time) and within a week start to come back to "normal" and wonder what the heck just happened.
(The most recent major change after depression bought was my enlisting in the Navy...thankfully I needed my husband's permission to join, and he ain't giving it)
I can't deal with this on my own anymore and I'm too busy to be bummed all the time. I've got a husband and two small kids and I refuse to see depression ruin my family. It can. I've seen it first-hand. I come from a long-line of depression, bipolar disorder, OCD, alcoholism, drug addiction, sex addictions. You name it, someone in one side of my family has probably been diagnosed with it. They are all brilliant people, but the same brain that makes them geniuses at whatever they do, also makes them do terrible things to themselves and those they love. I may be genetically disposed to this illness, but that doesn't mean I have to be a victim to my DNA. I'm going to take the medication, but I'm going to decide what I want from it first.
Goals for medication:
Less noise- my head is filled with voices, it's my voice, but the thoughts are all so different. So many of them don't come from a place I like to visit. I'm hoping this medication shuts them up or at least teaches them to behave.
More good days than bad
The bad days are just days, not days that turn into weeks then months
No more revelations- no more enlisting in the armed forces on a whim, no more haircuts, tatoos, new careers, etc. that I just jump into without being in my right mind.
Spend more time in my right mind. Only visit the left on occasion for purposes of creating characters for stories. The left mind is like L.A., it's an interesting place but sane people don't live there.
Some things I don't want to do on meds
I don't want to rely on them completely
I don't want to feel like I have to be happy all the time for them to be working
I don't want to use this illness as a crutch or an excuse.
Man, can you tell I'm nervous about taking these stupid pills? Enough talk, here goes. Cheers, let's make a toast to the return of sanity. Salut, see you on day 2.
