It's official, I'm depressed. Not today actually, but overall it would seem. Today I got the official diagnosis from a trained medically professional that I have servere depression and anxiety. It was somewhat surreal to sit in her sunny office with the paintings of pictureseque landscapes decorating the white walls and hear the word Depression. I felt like laughing, who doesn't get depressed? Show me a person who is never depressed or anxious and I'll show you the ON switch because that person couldn't possibly be human. We all have our bad days, we all have days we just want to go back bed. She said the fact I want to back to bed isn't the issue its the thoughts I have that I don't want to ever wake up that cause the concern. This very nice physiotherapist (what a title, try putting that on a business card) explained to me that while everyone has bad days, my particular brand of bad is a cause for concern. I'm not really sure why that is yet, but maybe as I begin to feel "better" I'll be able to figure it out. She and my therapist (ugh, writing this down is making me feel like I should be a mafia member living in Long Island stretching out on my therapist's couch and telling her about my latest hit) have decided I need medication to control this illness. That was when it hit me...I have been diagnosed with an illness, an actual disease and I'm going to need medication, probably for the rest of my life, to control it. Suddenly it wasn't just a succesion of bad days, or strange thoughts, it was a "condition" a "mental illness". You see Lifetime movies about women with mental illnesses. I don't think my life would make a very good movie..even for Lifetime...so how did I get here? and what next?
I'm writing this all down because I'm hoping that as I take this journey, I'll notice some differences along the way. Maybe even if I don't feel better all the time, maybe it will show up in the entries here. My biggest fear in taking medication is losing the essence of who I am. Hopefully I can prove that's not the case. I'll still be me, just less noisy (more on what I mean by that later). And maybe if you've found this blog you've been where I've been or maybe you need to go where I'm going. Either way, you're welcome along for the ride, all of my personalities say it's okay :)
