Day 7 of no more meds. I wish I could write that I'm back to how I was before this roller coaster began, but I can't. What's more, I'm beginning to think that going backward is not the answer either. Then I'll just be staring at the ride again, in line, waiting to be flipped upside down. Maybe if I stay on this track, I'll get off the ride all together and walk away...go find the Teacups or the giant swings instead.
I haven't had a big panic in several days, but now I'm having anxiety attacks instead. I feel like I've ordered the Mental Illness sample platter. A taste of depression, a touch of mania, a side of panic attacks with an anxiety dip. I can't sleep because I can't shut down my brain and my brain keeps my body up by pumping me full of adreniline. The book I'm reading says that synapses in my brain are telling my adrenal glands that I'm in imminent danger and so my body goes into fight or flight...two things I don't really feel like doing at 1 am so my body just shakes instead. The book also says that if your thoughts can turn on the adreniline, it can turn it off too. Convieniently, it doesn't tell you how.
I'm pretty confident at this point that God has a purpose in this madness. Somehow I'm going to sit on the other shore of this ocean of confusion a better person. More in touch with God and myself, and therefore, hopefully, a better mom, wife, friend, daughter. I realize at this point that that might take some time, but I hate that I'm dragging others into the sea with me. They aren't dressed for a swim and they didn't sign up for the excursion. I just hope I'm fast swimmer.
I don't have any answers yet, but I'm trying to embrace the process. I'm not just going to bury things this time. I'm going to unpack this box and put things where they belong. I reorganized my closet yesterday. It needed it badly. Thing were falling out of drawers, I could no longer shut the door, and there were shoes I didn't know I had hidden under the mess. I spent two hours removing what I didn't use or didn't like, throwing aways things beyond repair and boxed up other items to give away. I opened every drawer and put winter clothes away and refolded and reorganized the rest. I can not only shut the door now, I could throw a party in there. It amazing how much room you save when you just put things away neatly (Mom's been saying that for years). That's how I'm looking at the rest of this process. My mind has gotten messy, and instead of just shoving the door closed hoping nothing else falls out, it's time to reorganize. Throw away the useless, give away what's not mine to begin with, put away the rest until I can see what I have again. If your like me, you have to repeat the closet clean out every few years, but it should get easier as you get used to the process. I didn't color code my clothes or arrange my socks with safty pins because that's what works for other people, not me. I like a little disorder. I think my brain will be the same way. I guess I'm aiming for healthy havoc. Happy cleaning!
