I've been terrible about blogging lately. I admit it's because I don't always want to think about my mental state, but I started this blog to help other people who are dealing with depression and anxiety, so boo on me for not helping when I can.
I'll start with the good news. Over the past few months, my depression has all but vanished in the wake of the terrible anxiety I had been having. Thankfully the anxiety attacks have lessened as well. I still get them, mainly at night.
They happen on the cusp of sleep. You know, that point when you are about to fall asleep where you feel like you've actually fallen off something and you kinda jerk awake and then fall back into sleep? That's when they happen. I jerk awake and start freaking out. Heart pounding, disoriented, legs and arms tingling. IT SUCKS! BUT, good news, God provides and after a quick prayer (my brain is too scattered for much more) I take a few deep breaths (a Xanax if it's a really bad spell) and drink a glass a water. I have also found that waking John just long enough for him to know it's happening helps even if he doesn't wake up with me. Just knowing he knows helps.
I am learning how to talk myself out of them to. The way I look at it if your brain is causing them, your brain can stop them. I have been saying things like.
"yep, this is another one, but it's okay, it's not too bad. It'll be over soon if you let it, so let it."
"Nothing happens, just this, so just let your body do what it's going to and go back to sleep."
"We're not doing this tonight. Tonight you are going to relax."
I know it seems silly, but honestly that silliness is exactly why it works. I feel like I'm chiding a 5 year old, but it seems to get through to the insecure part of my brain that gets all fired up in the first place.
I hate that I'm having them at all, but God is teaching me to rely on Him through them. I noticed a BIG difference when I let my prayer life slip or I get myself too busy or worked up over the little things. A lot of my anxiety is spurred by feeling of guilt I deal with, so to step back from the word for even a day gives that guilt a foothold to wreak havoc in my head.
I highly recommend anyone who suffers from anxiety get a good Christian counselor. Someone who will listen and pray with you and for you and help you discover your triggers. Mine seem to be guilt that comes from a deep seated notion that I am worthless. More on that another day. But, anyway, find your triggers. Figure out what happens before your attacks. Were you stressed? If so, about what? Did you have a fight with someone? Watch a scary movie? Break routine? Write it down and share it with someone who loves and supports you. If you don't feel like you have a person who fits that bill. God loves you , and I'll listen too, so email me :)
