We all have bad days, right? I seem to have forgotten that even before these events I had bad days. I had days where it seemed that the entire world went out of its way to ensure I'd feel like yanking my hair out by the time the sun went down. There were times I felt like I went weeks hitting every stop light and pot hole life had to offer before the road smoothed out again.
Recently, I have felt like I have emotional amnesia. I don't seem to remember life before panic. I was tired before panic, but now being tired freaks me out. "Why can't I keep my eyes open? What's wrong with me?" It doesn't occur to me immediately that I only got 5 hours of sleep the last two nights and I might actually be...tired.
Being stressed out is another state of being I was once quite familiar with. Papers due, drama ensuing with my group of friends, what WAS I going to wear Saturday night, would I ever get a job? And even more recently getting two kids dressed and out the door and still having enough sanity left by 8 a.m. that I might actually be able to work hard enough to keep my job. These were common enough occurrences that it shocks me just a little that I don't seem to recognize the signs anymore. I mistake just about everything for the beginning of a panic attack. Heartburn is due to me worrying about my heart rate instead of the result of massive amount of pizza I just ingested. Tiredness is due to depression or medication instead of just being the result of a busy day and a lack of sleep. Excitement is due to mania rather than...well excitement.
I don't think I ever would have considered my self a glass is half empty kind of person. While I'm not Suzy Sunshine I have never really been Pessimistic Pam. Until recently when the glass isn't just half empty is also filled with a toxic substance guaranteed to make me ill. There is a show on the Discovery Channel right now called Worst Case Scenario, where the host talks you through how to escape some of the most bizarre accidents possible. John has threatened to cancel our cable if I so much as browse past that channel. I could have my own show on the topic, except I'm not sure I'd be conscious enough to show viewers how to escape.
I never thought this blog would last this long. At least not on this topic. I think when I began it, I thought by this time I'd be writing about how I'd found freedom from Depression. To be this far away a year later is...well...depressing. I still believe God will deliver me, or even just show me how to live with it, but the wait is difficult and the path seems so long. For now I'll try to remember that everyone has bad days, that doesn't mean there won't be good ones; everyone gets tired, that doesn't mean they are sick; everyone worries about something, that doesn't mean the half full glass is poisoned. Hopefully very soon I'll be able to return to lighter topics as I'm beginning to feel very much like Eeyore.
Night Sweet Readers,
