I spent my childhood years in Colorado. To say that I miss it would be a gross understatement. I've lived in 14 cities in my 27 years and I miss each for one reason or another. Usually I miss people or restaurants (currently I have a serious yen for Dagwood's in Bloomington, IN and I miss Maxx's face). I miss Colorado because all I can remember beauty. In the winter there were gorgeous mounds of pristine snow that made everything in sight look as though a cosmic baker had covered it in powdered sugar. In the fall the Aspens turned everything to golden. In the spring the volatile weather made it seem like summer might play hide-n-seek forever, but then summer would show up it all it's glory and sky would be so blue that no matter what you were doing you'd have to turn your face heavenward and admit that Crayola could never make color to match God's handiwork.
I felt beautiful in Colorado. Maybe it was my age (I left at age 12) or maybe it was just being surrounded by that much beauty, but I felt it..beauty. I was also fearless. I remember jumping on my trampoline in the back yard and looking up at the sky and wishing I could just die and go to heaven so I could jump in the clouds. Death seemed like an adventure.
I spoke to God at night. I asked him how his day was. I asked if my Grandpa was behaving himself up there and, if he wouldn't mind, could I talk to him every once in a while. I asked God not to watch while I showered. He was cool with that and respected my privacy. Everything was very real to me. Every emotion was exaggerated, every feeling was deep. I wondered if my heart would ever survive my first crush. To this day I remember everything about him and hope he's wonderfully happy.
Childhood isn't so sweet for many, and my heart aches when I think of all the kids out there that miss out on that kind of innocence, but for me being a kid was full of beauty and magic and awe.
Then we grow up. We are taught how to put away childish things. We are instructed to control our emotions and tame our passions. We are taught the "reason" behind beauty. We learn why the sky is blue and the Aspen's gold. Adulthood is a blanket that covers all our childish notions with black and white strips. Imaginary or real. Good or bad. Proper or improper. Scientific reason or hypothetical science. Childhood is gray. Everything meshes. Imaginary friends are quite real. Science easily blends with a child's perception of supernatural and bad is only bad if it gets you put in time-out.
I think the problem with the way I've grown up is that I have given up ALL of my "inner-child" in an attempt to be an adult. But then I read this "I tell you the truth, anyone who will not accept the kingdom of God like a little child will not enter it"Mark 10:15. Well crap.
As a child I just believed. I had faith. True faith. Today I have reason. I miss my faith. I miss my gray. I miss my 10-year-old self (and her metabolism).
I can try to reclaim it, but I think in my case, I am going to have be willing to give up some of my "book smarts" for "kid smarts". I can do something about my kids though. I can try to teach them how mature without giving up their dreams and their imagination. Reason is overrated, and knowledge isn't power, it's just an anti-inflammatory for fear of the unknown. My prayer now for myself and my kids is for the wisdom to recognize reason, accept knowledge, but live by faith.
