Forgive and forget. Simple statement. I'd bet it's said a million times a day by a million different mouths. Easy to say, really, REALLY, hard to do. Why?
Often, when I think of forgiving I think about people in my life who have wronged me somehow. At some point I blame them for sending me off an emotional cliff; or in some cases a literal one. But forgiveness isn't reserved for the nasty people in your life. I think it's more difficult to forgive yourself. I mean where do you turn, who do you point the finger at, when you built the cliff yourself from your own well meaning, but perhaps unrealistic goals, or your past fears and regrets, and then you hit the accelerator that had you flying over it into a pit?
While talking about New Year's resolutions (breeding ground for eventual cliff building) in my Sunday School class, we read a verse from Philippians:
"Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Phil 13-14 (emphasis mine)
If anyone had a past that threatened to catch up with him it was Paul. Back in his Saul days, he was Public Enemy Number 1 for anyone who followed Christ. What Paul says though, is that he has to FORGET what is behind and move TOWARD what is ahead. Let the past go and keep moving forward.
I have ended my therapy (at least for the time being) and it's neat to be in a place where I feel healthy enough to do that. I still deal with anxiety, but I deal with it right now, it doesn't deal with me. Throughout the sessions, one thing I learned that seems to stick out amongst the rest is the fact that I tend to me most anxious when I feel guilty about something. I let guilt throw me into a massive funk that perpetuates itself into a deep, lonely pit. It has been so hard for me to let things go. People talk about baggage? Honey, I got a semi full of furniture I've been moving around with me.
One day last week I was trying to figure out how I was going to make 2011 better than 2010 (I know, I know, after all my anti-resolution talk...) and God put an image into my head. Water. Water is the most facinating substance on Earth. Every living creature needs it, no one is allergic to it, it has no taste, and it's the only substance that is lighter in its solid state (so as not to kill all the arctic fishies). Water cleans itself too, BY MOVING. Ask any survival guru and he'll tell you that when given an option, water out of a river is going to be a better bet than water from a puddle for cleanliness. The constant movement of a river rids it of many impurities. It's when water pools and then stops moving that it begins to breed disease.
I think the same is true in my life. The second I stop moving "onward toward what is ahead", the water in my life pools and my past is allowed to seep back in like bacteria. Suddenly I'm knee deep in a cesspool hoping for a life line. It's not just about forgetting or forgiving something once, it's also about a constant movement away from whatever it is that was toxic.
Water also has an amazing ability to wear down obstacles--just ask the Grand Canyon. The little bumps in your river will wear down over time if you just keep moving over them. It may cause a few rapids but eventually calm waters will prevail. The key here is movement. You may not always know exactly where you are going or where you'll end up, but if you follow the stream, the pattern of your life that God is mapping out, then all you really have to do is keep picking up your feet and setting them down. The current will take care of the rest.
Now would probably be a good time to mention that moving outside the flow intended for you can cause serious problems. Ask anyone who has been victim of a flood. Water is destructive and it can destroy quickly. If I were to sit in my past guilt, regret, anger, resentment, and refuse to move, eventually, I would overflow my banks. The nastiness that I had been sitting in would then begin to infect everything around me. Instead of the water bringing life, it would bring illness and disease to whatever it touched. Refuse to forget the past, essentially damming your life, is a surefire way to destroy everyone around you.
Maybe you'll end up in crystal blue of an ocean, or maybe it'll be a crisp, clear mountain stream, but I hope that by the time my river has run it's course I'm in a place that thrives with vibrant life. Maybe I will have worn all my rocks down. Maybe I will have gotten far enough from my past troubles that even as I slow, they can never catch up. Never infect me again. I'll be able to feel pure, unblemished, vital.
I love the image that God gave me in this metaphor. We all need water for life, and God has interwoven it across above and below every surface of the earth since the beginning of time. I figure it's gotten pretty good at doing what it's supposed to, so I'll take my cue from the river and go with the flow.
