"I pray you now, forget and forgive." That quote is from William Shakespeare's King Lear. For those who slept through 11th grade English, King Lear spends the brunt of this play going completely nuts. In fact, half the characters in the play go mad, in large part to stubbornness and and unwillingness to forgive and forget the follies of others. In the end, only three of the main characters survive. The play is utterly depressing but makes some interesting...if a bit dramatic...points about misunderstandings, loyalty and forgiveness.
Forgiveness is my contemplation for the week. After last Saturday, and hearing those women's remarkable stories, I realized that a huge component missing in my life was forgiveness. These women had forgiven some horrible sins committed against them. Things that would crumble most mere mortals. They had also forgiven themselves for mistakes and missteps in their own pasts.
I can forgive others...most of the time...but I'm terrible at forgiving myself. I can give you a list of everything I've done wrong in the past year, past five, ten. Ask me to tell you what I've done well, and I'll make something up (and then feel bad about it later). It's not that I'm a martyr; not even close. I just have a really hard time letting things go. I let the intense fire of anger burn off, but always keep it on a low simmer, and before long, it still ends up burning down the house.
When I was a kid, and I'd do something I knew was wrong, I'd actually punish myself. I remember telling friends I couldn't come outside to play because I was grounded. The thing was, I grounded myself. My parents never did.
While I sat praying on Saturday night, I went through my ritualistic prayer. "Thanks for the day, Lord. Please bless my family and forgive me of my sins." I pray that prayer all the time. It's automatic, but that night something different happened. I heard, clear as a bell, "you are forgiven". I thought, "yea, I know."...blah, blah, blah. I started to raise my head and heard, more forcefully, "You ARE forgiven." At this point I thought it prudent to keep my eyes and my mouth shut and just listen. I heard, "My child, you are forgiven." That last one was like having someone shake you out of dream. My eyes poured tears and I took the first deep breath I've had in a year.
Do you remember that part in Good Will Hunting when the psychologist (Robin Williams) tells Will (Matt Damon) that it's not his fault? Will shrugs it off, but Sean keeps saying it over and over until Will first gets mad, then he just "gets" it and starts to cry. It was kinda like that.
So, the other part of Lear's quote is "Forget". There's where I'm stuck. I haven't had a single moment of anxiety or panic since that moment on the floor of the Boys and Girls Club gym. I haven't felt my heartbeat, haven't second guessed my breathing, haven't worried about passing out every time I climb a flight of stairs. It feels amazing, but I find myself shy to consider that God cured me, by helping me forgive (BTW, I don't think real forgiveness can be accomplished without Him. It's too big a burden to lift on my own). I have forgiven myself, but I can't forget and remembering keeps me in a state of reservation for fear that if I have a relapse after a moment like that... all the old doubts and fears will crush me like a tidal wave.
Should I try to forget? In forgetting, could I get myself far enough away that it never bothers me again? Should I put this past year in a box and hide it in my attic? I admit, part of me would like to end this blog here. Start another that has nothing to do with depression or anxiety. Would that be right? Or would forgetting negate the blessing? Would forgetting it ever happened somehow diminish the miracle of feeling better? I don't want to be like King Lear. I don't want to go mad because I can't forget or forgive. But much like those who survived the sad tale, to forget it completely would be giving permission for history to repeat itself.
So I'll pray for distance. If I have to remember, I hope it's like popping in an old movie. You remember the lines, but put it away as soon as ends and go outside to play in the sun. If you made it this far, I have something to tell you: You too, can be forgiven. Really. Completely. All you have to do is ask.
"For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened" Matthew 7:8
