I'm not sure how I ended up here today. My mouse just moved in the direction of this portal and somehow clicked the "New Post" button without my permission. Now that I'm here, I suppose I could just click back out and go about my day, but my fingers feel good on the keyboard so I'll stay a while.
If I've learned anything over the past year, it's that precious, precious little in life is actually certain. People can be deceiving, winds can change, and answers can disappear like puddles drying the sun. One moment they are deep and real, and then you return 10 minutes later to find bare ground again. You wonder if you imagined it all. I have spent a lot of time, too much really, trying to decide if I like the certain things in life or the wild wind. If I want to be like a palm tree and bend with each storm or just be a leaf and ride with it.
I don't have an answer, and I'm starting to get the sense that THAT is the point. I'm looking for answers where answers don't, or rather, don't NEED to exist. Scientists are always trying to find reasons that things do what they do. Why does the sun come up? Why is the sky blue? Why is dirt brown? I'm not against discovery in general, just the perpetual search for answers that ends up sucking the life right out of life. Instead of why does the sun come up, why not just stand there and let it hit your face and warm you to the core as it makes its progression across the sky? Why is dirt brown? Who cares, just don't eat it.
I know I sound jaded and, to some, a bit ignorant, but I've got too much trash in my mind to find space to give a hoot what anyone else thinks anymore. But what if the answer IS the question? I know, way to philosophical for a Friday, but go with me here. What if the wondering, the wandering, the questions, and finally the acceptance of the mystery, is actually the answer we look for?
I've been searching for answers to why I went from mostly normal (not enough time to get into what I actually think of the word "normal") to mostly neurotic in the space of a year. I have been trying to find out why, what happened, how can I fix it. Everything is so different, so scary, that I've wanted answers like a kid wants the lights on to make sure the shadows in his room are really only shadows. Meanwhile, I've forgotten to enjoy what hasn't changed. There is so little certainty out there I should have been clinging to the few things that have remained the same.
I know that as long as he physically can, my husband will come home every night. I know that no matter how old they get, my children will always be my babies. I know three women who will always pick up the phone when I call. I know as long as my legs work, I'll dance; as long as my mouth works, I'll share my opinion; and as long as my heart beats, I'll search for God. You can't find truth, you just know it's there when you're in its presence. Answers are elusive, and too many questions are waste of a good life. So face East during the sunrise, let the sun kiss your face and trust that there ARE answers, even if you never find them. The truth is found in the warmth--and of that I'm certain.
