It happened today. At about 2pm it happened. Alone on the road it happened. After months of feeling better, it happened. I can't go into all the details right now. Still too fresh, still too sore. I was alone in the car singing to Dixie Chicks' "I'm not ready to make nice" when my brain decided it was done making nice and through me into a panic so severe I lost control of my hands and had to pull of the road into an abandoned gas station. I tried to breathe, I tried to pray, I tried to let my mom calm me down over the phone. This time, it didn't work. This time I had to call 911 and let the nice EMS team of Marshall Co, TN, settle me down.
I am embarrassed. I am dissapointed. I am angry at the part of my head that can't get with the program and calm down when I tell it to. I felt foolish having John and my mom come pick me up from a Cracker Barrel half way to nowhere. I felt silly having Amy pray for me over the phone while I held back sobs. I am exhausted and worried about what the coming weeks may hold. But there is one thing I'm not: I'm not giving up.
As a servant of God
"we commend ourselves in every way: in great endurance; in trouble, hardships and distresses; in beatings, imprisionments and riots; in hard work, sleepless nights and hunger; in purity, understanding, patience and kindness; in the Holy Spirit and in sincere love; in truthful speech and in the power of God; with weapons of righteousness in the right hand and in the left; through glory and dishonor, bad report and good report; genuine, yet regarded as unknown; dying, and yet we live on; beaten, and yet not killed; sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, and yet possessing everything." (2 Corinthains 6: 3-13)
Am I nervous about driving right now? Yes. Am I afraid of these attacks? Yes. Do I wish they'd just go away? No. As much as I hate, hate, hate them, I know that somehow they serve a purpose. I'm trusting God for that, and trusting Him that He'll get me through this like he did before. And while I work on my trust issues, I'm also pretty happy he's put my husband, my mom, my Amy, and friendly Marshall County EMS crews on this planet so I can freak out safely. Thank you Jesus..
