A few days ago I had to go to the doctor. Why was I at the doctor? Due to HIPPA regulations, I am required to tell you to mind your own beezwax.
So, I was at the doctor for unknown purposes and spent the customary 45 minutes (past my appointment time) in the waiting room reading People magazines published when Ben and JLo were still Ben-lo (more on why I hate the media's new obsession with blended nicknames another time).
Finally, the nurse called me back so I could sit alone without even old People"s to entertain me while I waited for the doc. Before we went back however, she told me to step on the scale. The following conversation ensues:
Me: "why?" (Trust me, my visit did not need weight verification)
Nurse: "We just do this before every visit."
Me: "Uh-huh...why?"
Nurse: (a little confused) "We just need to have it for your records."
Me: "Can you just guesstimate? I can't possibly look that much different than the last time I was here. Maybe you should just take pictures of each visit."
Nurse: "Sometimes we need your weight so we know how much medication you'll need"
Me: "Understood, but I'm not here for medication"
Nurse: (getting irritated) "You don't know that"
Me: "Okay, I'll rephrase, I won't be taking any medication from this visit whether prescribed or not. Unless they're antipsychotics, which I'll need if I step on that scale."
Nurse: "It will also tell us if your blood pressure is in a normal range, ma'am"
Me: "My blood pressure will NOT be in a normal range if you make me stand on that scale"
Nurse: (exercising amazing patience) "Ma'am if you are concerned you can turn around"
Me: "Like I don't know exactly how many clicks I should hear to be the weight I want to be vs. the weight I might jump out of your window at"
Nurse: "You could plug your ears."
Me: "I'd look like an idiot standing backwards on a scale plugging my ears"
Nurse: "Well you're halfway there already..."
Me: "Just write down bigger than a breadbox"
Nurse: "Smaller than ship?"
Me: "Perfect."
Nurse: "Now if you'll please step onto the scale..."
Thanks to Nurse Unflappable, I now know my black and red slides weigh at least 10 lbs. It's amazing I can walk in them. Stupid doctor's offices and their stupid scales. Next time you give me drugs just guess how much I weigh, prescribe the meds and I swear not to take them. We'll both be none-the-wiser, and I can go on eating without having to have the number for Jenny Craig and a Xanax on stand by.
