I wish I didn't have to write this. At this moment I almost wish I had never started this blog. Almost. But I did, and to my surprise and delight, people actually read this thing, so I have to do this. Thursday was a bad night. As far as my little saga goes, it was the worst night I've had. I'd love to tell you that I'm over it. That it happened and I snapped back and I'm ready to fight. I'll do a lot of things in this blog, but I won't lie. I feel terrible, panicky and weak. I feel a little crazy and most of all, I feel stupid. I feel stupid that I can't get it through my head that I'm okay. I feel stupid that this time I was in public and will always remember the looks on people's faces as I screamed. I feel stupid that I have to drag people out of bed in the middle of night to watch my kids cause mom is throwing a fit in the hospital. I feel stupid that John has to take a day of work to watch me because I live in fear it will happen again.
What happened? I can't go into detail without shaking, but if you're interested ask anyone working at the Y last Thursday night. In fact, ask anyone working, anyone working out, or anyone within earshot of the ambulance that arrived to take my psycho self to the ER. This time the presence of medical professionals did me no good. This time it took a full two hours to start to calm down. This time, I had a very sweet and pitying case worker visit my room and tell me calmly "Honey, you need to be on medication". I didn't argue this time. I went to my psychiatrist the next day and begged her for pills. ANYTHING to make this stop. What did she tell me?
"Lauren, you're doing great."
...(crickets chirping)...and I'M the one asking for crazy pills? Lady, you're nuttier than I am!
That what she said. She said that this happens. To a lot of people. All the time. She said the fact I'd been doing well for months just means that I will do well again. She hopeful. She's insane. Time for a new doctor.
Step 2: went to my general practitioner. "Doc, please tell me there is something in all that lab work they did to explain this." He looked at me soberly. "Lauren, I don't know how to tell you this, but you're one of the healthiest people I've seen. Your blood pressure, lab work, EKG, Chest x-rays, are perfect. Not good, perfect."
The entire city of Murfreesboro, TN is filled with quacks.
Or not. The reality is, it's all me. It's all in my head. How do you fight a monster, when the monster is inside? If you have cancer, you fight that beast with radiation, chemo, and various other treatments. If your monster is high blood pressure you fight it with pills and diet and exercise. But what if YOU are the monster? Not all of me mind you, just a tiny part of my brain that send the rest of my body into the twilight zone. (For more about exactly what a panic attack is, view my "pages" on the blog in the next few days, and I'll break it down)
I have an entire team of people with all kinds of fancy letters after their names that have told me in no uncertain terms that I am fine. But this Mr. Hyde section of my brain refuses to take heed. It's sternly protests, "They've missed something. They can't see the iceberg and the Titanic is heading straight for it!"
I have had a few comments since my last bought two weeks ago asking me if I can try to put some perspective on all this. I don't have cancer, I don't have high blood pressure, I'm not terminally ill and there are thousands of people who are. Can't I count myself lucky? In response: Bite me. You think I don't know that? You think I don't feel like the worlds biggest loser for feeling like this? I'm scared. I hate this and I don't know how to fix it. So in YOUR infinite wisdom, please tell me what I should do. Pray more? Okay, I prayed as hard as I possibly could Thursday night from the back of an ambulance with an oxygen mask strapped to my face thinking surely my heart would explode as I lay still with my pulse beeping back at me at 188 bpm. Did I feel God? Yes. Did it help? No. Am I upset? Yes.
I know the all the Sunday School answers. "Everything has a purpose." "We don't know God's plan, we just have to have faith" "He doesn't promise all sunshine and rainbows. Some days it rains." All very true. I've used them on other folks too. To all of those folks: sorry, I probably sounded insensitive, but I meant well, and I know folks who tell me that do too. Again, it's not like this has obliterated my faith, and I still trust in God's perfect will, but I don't think he minds if we get a little upset. Even Jesus asked if God would take the cup from him.
This has been a spectacularly long post already, but I had to get all this out, more for me than anything else. But to those of you who read this cause this is your thorn too, just know, I'm still fighting and Jesus has already won. Don't give up.
