I had someone very close to me ask me today why on Earth I am sharing my struggles in such a public format. Anyone with computer access can currently see my deepest fears and toughest obstacles. She wanted to know why I would risk people seeing me differently. My Lord, I HOPE you all see me differently. I hope you see me as someone with a fight who, even though she gets popped on the chin more times than she'd care to admit, keeps putting up her dukes and circles the ring. I hope you see that I'm scared. I hope you see that it's only by the grace of God I can currently look at this computer screen and not break down. And I REALLY hope someday this blog will be completely boring because those problems no longer exist. Maybe I'll start writing about my latest adventures, my most recent marathon, or my skydiving excursion. (Please don't hold your breath)
There is something powerful in shinning light on your fears. The words in my brain are still a bit muddled so I'm going to borrow someone else's for tonight. I'm reading a book called Fearless by Max Lucado. In his book he quotes a passage from a book called The Life of Pi by Yann Martel. Pi is a dude who finds himself chilling on a lifeboat after a shipwreck with a 450lbs tiger and whole lot of water. He goes back and forth on whether he is more afraid of the tiger or the water. (Me, I'd take my chance in the ocean) Here's how he describes his fear.
I must say a word about fear. It is life's only true opponent. Only fear can defeat life. It is a clever, treacherous adversary, how well I know. It has no decency, respects no law or convention, shows no mercy. It goes for your weakest spot, which it finds with unerring ease. It begins in your mind, always. One moment you are feeling calm, self-possessed, happy. Then fear, disguised in the garb of mild-mannered doubt, slips into your mind like a spy. Doubt meets disbelief and disbelief tries to push it out. But disbelief is a poorly armed foot soldier. Doubt does away with it with little trouble. You become anxious. Reason comes to do battle for you. You are reassured. Reason is fully equipped with the latest weapons technology. But, to your amazement, despite superior tactics and a number of undeniable victories, reason is laid low. You feel yourself weakening, wavering. Your anxiety becomes dread...
Quickly you make rash decisions. You dismiss your last allies: hope and trust. There, you've defeated yourself. Fear, which is but an impression, has triumphed over you.
You must fight hard to express it. You must fight hard to shine the light of words upon it. Because if you don't, if your fear becomes a wordless darkness that you avoid, perhaps even manage to forget, you open yourself to further attacks of fear because you never truly fought the opponent who defeated you.
Totally! What he said!
I couldn't have summed it up that well, but that's what I'm after. I'm doing this. Risking embarrassing myself and unfortunately my entire family, to shine a light on my fears. A big 1400 watt spotlight that could be seen from space. Every time you read my posts, you help me eradicate the fear that wants to keep me in bondage. Every time you send a comment or email to encourage me, you become part of my solution. Lord, please let me always live in the light where darkness may threaten, but never overcome.
I pray that for you too. What are you afraid of? Turn on the lights. Tell someone. Write it out. Call me. You could choose life with a tiger or life in the waves, or maybe you could kick the kitty overboard and start paddling, but whatever you do, do it in the light.
